Life can be full of puzzling challenges.  Dear Wabby offers a new perspective on an old situation, to illuminate a possible path forward.

Dear Wabby,

I probably shouldn’t be wasting your time. I’m afraid that you’ll laugh at me, use what I tell you to hurt me, tell me I deserve to suffer, tell me there’s no hope. But I don’t understand why I feel so BAD when I act so GOOD.

I’ve tried to be a good person. I’ve followed all the rules. After high school, I was lucky to get a good job as a secretary, worked hard, and, after a few years, even bought my own house. My boss says I’m very good at what I do, but he’s just saying that because he secretly believes I’m incompetent. He feels sorry for me but is too kind to fire me.

I’m not pretty or talented, but I did date a few guys. Eventually, I fell in love, and married a divorced man. Roscoe is such a lovable, wonderful guy, down on his luck when I met him. He was heading for alcoholism, and I thought I could save him. I made sure we never had alcohol in the house, we avoided parties with his drinking friends, and I helped him get a real job.

Roscoe had a 4-year old daughter, Alicia who came to live with us. We got along well.
Alicia became more relaxed and happy with consistent parenting. I enjoyed parenting, and thought we had a happy family going. Even so, I couldn’t shake the feeling that any moment my happiness would be taken away.

I let go of my girlfriends lest they try to seduce Roscoe. I wasn’t sure I could trust them. But that didn’t end my anxiety.

A year into our marriage I realised Roscoe’s late nights at the new job were actually his “long way home” via the pub and some younger women.

Roscoe says he’s “needing some space,” or “just needing some time to get his head together,” and has moved in with Trixie. He has begun bringing Trixie to Alicia’s soccer games. They bill and coo on the bleachers opposite me. He wants to bring Trixie to Alicia’s birthday party, next week. I think I will let him bring her, because it will make him like me more.

Although it is difficult, I am paying the credit card bills because both names are on the card. While I don’t mind paying to care for Alicia—she feels like my own—should I be paying his bar tab or the wide-screen TV he gave Trixie for her birthday? I keep paying these bills, because I want him to love me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or to make him mad. I love Roscoe so much that I am willing to do anything to keep our marriage together. I don’t think I could keep on living if he divorced me.

I am not sure whether to blame Trixie or the beer for this situation. What should I do?
—Being so Good while feeling so Bad

Dear Being-so-Good,

Blaming Trixie or the Beer wouldn’t make anything better. How much control do you have over either? Try changing the one person over whom you do have some influence.

(1.) For a start, take this questionnaire:

The Co-Dependency Checklist
From: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel: Overcoming the Power of your Dysfunctional Family’s Secrets by Robert A. Becker, PhD

▢ Overdeveloped sense of responsibility for everything—feels responsible for everyone

▢ Rigid thinking—Sees things in very “Black & White” ways—Has problems being abstract

▢ Can’t express feelings—
Often doesn’t even know what he is feeling

▢ Finds trusting others extremely difficult
Can’t get close to anyone

▢ Feels nervous and anxious much of the time—Especially so when nothing is happening (“free-floating anxiety”)

▢ Constantly seeks approval—Even when approval is received, doesn’t accept it

▢ Poor self-image—Poor self-esteem

▢ Blames others for his/her unhappiness

▢ Doesn’t know how to set healthy limits or boundaries—Can’t say “No”

▢ Tremendous fears of abandonment
Will do anything to avoid these feelings

▢ Feels victimized often

▢ Is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anticipates the worst

(2.) If you check off more than 3 statements, it’s time to get reading. Pick up one of the following books from your library:
Breaking Free from the Victim Trap: Reclaiming Your Personal Power —by Diane Zimberoff
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself —by Melody Beattie

(3.) Get your old friends back, and make some new ones!

(4.) Consider joining an ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic Families) 12-Step group or ACOA therapy group. I call these ACOQ (Adult Children of Quirky Families) groups, because it needn’t be alcoholism or addiction that draws a family’s attention away from healthy parenting. It might be a parent’s depression, a sibling’s chronic illness, constant moving, or a parent with a personality disorder. Any long-term quirk can result in co-dependency in adult children.
(5.) Learn about Boundaries.

(6.) If you try self-help and group-learning, but still struggle with symptoms, or if you want to speed the process, consider psychotherapy.

(7.) Invite Roscoe to couples’ counselling.

(8.) Consult a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities and your joint credit-card debt.

There’s just no need to be so “good” or to feel so bad. We are best able to make the world a better place when our own little piece of the world is where we can feel happy.
Best Wishes for your new life,
–Wabby